lextopia

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Archive for September, 2011

This Was Always Coming

September 26, 2011 By: admin Category: Happiness, Health, Living, Love, Meditation, Molly, Mom

1.

I won’t ever know what you meant. You have to say it like “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…..” Type out the rhythm on the side of an upright bass. Make the dude who usually plays it hold the thing up for you. I could be moving. I could be moving. I could be moving.

Everything is possible when you realize no one is waiting for you.

2.

“the meat is you who stand aside, and do not bite. the meat within is what’s to take at end of Spring. meat’s all that we have, isn’t that sad–make it raw, rare, or now/later–i’ll eat it either way. keep it here, though. i want to touch it when it’s ready.”

3.

when it comes it’ll be a gleaming surprise. i’ll look up and go: “oh. fuck.” smiling, breathless, in the most excited way.

Yeah, Of Course I’ll Do That

September 06, 2011 By: admin Category: Living

I’m so very very tired of being taken advantage of. Its really gotten to be so much, enough, that I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I think the struggle for equality–as a woman and as a kind person–is just too much and I think to myself that I want to give up and just do some simple day job close to home, make my mortgage every month, watch TV, and wait to grow old and die.

I am so, so, so sick of making less money, everywhere I go, than my male counterparts. It’s so goddamned exhausting to remind one more boss that, yes, what I do is just as valuable and yes, I should get paid the same.

It’s also so so so exhausting treating someone soooooo well day in and day out while they treat me like shit. I’ve made my peace with their behavior, but it’s really wearing on me. I wish I could just be a distant benefactor: put a bunch of money in an account every month and have that be that. Honestly, how selfish can someone really be? How long can a selfish person maintain their selfishness before it comes to bite them in the ass?

And how long can I continue to support that which doesn’t support me?

The question is: what else can I do? In terms of the job, I have a great one in a terrible economic crisis after having been out of work for over one year. Do I have a choice there? There aren’t any jobs better than this one for me. This one is amazing, but how amazing is it really┬áif they discriminate against me?

As for the kindness thing, there is just some care-taking of others that I can’t not do. I can’t walk away from the wounded and helpless. Some people have had it so much harder than me… but to that my friend Alison would say: “And you’ve done enough for a while. Take a break and give to yourself a bit. No more strays.”

I am so tired of being reliable.