lextopia

my thoughts . my memories . my family . my projects . my fears
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Archive for May, 2010

Once

May 31, 2010 By: admin Category: Love

You know it when you feel it. For me, it feels similar to an anxiety attack–that rush of blood all through my limbs, and I get woozy. But the thoughts in this other moment are positive. “There she is,” my body seems to say, and relaxes.

Love for me is that feeling of partnership with someone else’s body that happens instantly. Before I know it, I feel physically a part of that person, and in every case that it’s happened to me, it’s been mutual from the other person.

By the same token, I know keenly when that feeling isn’t there. That counter-feeling feels like stale cardboard–unappetizing. It takes work to be in the same room with it. I should know better than to move forward when that feeling is present. I know what it is and what it means, and it’s just unproductive and mean to continue.

And so I’m waiting… for what, I don’t know. But this is where I’ve been placed. Mostly, as the time passes, I’m already beginning to worry about what I’ll do in early September when this job ends. I don’t know that I’d want to continue it unless it was full-time, but I can’t predict the future, so next week I could feel completely different…

In the meantime I run, swim, eat well, work on my films, and rise consistently between 5:30 and 6:30am, . During the day I work, and at night I hope for love…