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Archive for August, 2009

Valet Battleship Parking, Part. 2: We Choose Our Lives

August 14, 2009 By: admin Category: Abandonment Journal, Valet Battleship Parking

I found this intense website about infidelity. It’s very in-depth and I’m taking several days to ingest it all. My interest, obviously, is personal. I’m simply finding it very hard to believe that my judgment was SO off I would select and live with someone for four years who was always capable of doing this, so I’m looking for insights and clues wherever I can.

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Looking back now I see all the red flags so clearly and it’s nauseating to remember that I ignored them or pushed them aside deciding, instead, to trust. “You were in love,” says a friend, “We do stupid things when we’re in love.” But I didn’t think anything I was doing was stupid, I thought it was beautiful. I gave her encouragement for her career when she didn’t have friends or family who were doing it, I bought her equipment I thought she needed (she was a musician), and took her on trips I thought would crowbar her out of her profound self-hatred long enough for her to actually produce something. When all those things and kindness and love and loyalty didn’t work I ended up in the fetal position on the floor. I tried everything and none of it worked. She drove me nearly insane and still I tried… Maybe that’s what was stupid, but I believe very strongly in the powers of loyalty and time and so I thought that if we just kept working, just a little bit more, she would have gotten over the hump–had some psychological breakthrough–, succeeded at her career, and we would have evolved to a new stage in our relationship. My naivete is that through it all I thought she loved me. Imagine my surprise when she finally said she didn’t.

Last night I spoke at length to a friend about all this. He had had a very similar experience and said that it sounded like my ex was and is paralytically afraid of failure so she sabotages herself at every turn. Thankfully, I’ve never suffered from a fear of failure. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m a “glass half full” kind of person. To me, nothing is ever so hard there isn’t some solution somewhere, and no piece of work that is so bad it’ll ruin your career. I think that attitude comes from having a loving and supportive family–a solid base–and this is certainly something my ex lacked. That’s one of the dastardly demons she’ll have to face if she ever wants out of her current rut. That’s clearly another part of her fear: facing her demons. As we all know, it SUCKS; and on top of it the worse you’ve been as a person in the world, the worse those demons will be, and the longer you wait to deal with them, the more painful the process once you finally decide to do it.

I told my friend on the phone that I thought being faithful was so easy, and he agreed. But if you read the above linked website it sure sounds like a lot of people struggle with it. Some of them actually convince themselves that they’re entitled to it. Should they be condemned…??? It’s not for me to say as a rule for the whole world, just for myself: I choose not to associate with or support people who betray their loved ones. It’s the unringable bell, the genie that will never, ever go back in the bottle and I simply can’t look at you or believe you if you’ve done it. But I also feel that infidelity is a huge act of self-hatred. It’s the ultimate sign that you’re so afraid, so unevolved that you’d rather destroy yourself than work hard at something. It’s an act that’s full of passive aggression, but also one that deserves pity, and so as much as I hate her today, I fear for her tomorrow because dishonor reaps the whirlwind…

I’m not, by the way, trying to paint myself as a saint, but there are basic rules of right and wrong and infidelity is just wrong, and, as I mentioned above, totally avoidable: you just decide not to do it.

I used to travel a lot for work. I went to huge conferences and film festivals all over the country. At one such event I was propositioned by a beautiful young man who I’d spent the night playing pool with. Our skill level at the game was about the same (bad) and we were just having a good time. The sexual tension was undeniable, but, again, it was just fun and we seemed to both acknowledge that. We left the bar together and walked around the town. He was from there and giving me a private, midnight tour. I had made it clear that I was gay and in a relationship, but the sexual tension was enough to make anyone in his shoes think there might be an opening. We ended up at the lobby of my hotel, and that’s where I finally said goodnight. Even though my relationship was shaky and had been unsatisfying for several months up to that time, there had been no innuendo on my part, but as I was getting into the elevator he still stopped the door and asked me if I was absolutely sure. I smiled, said yes, and bid him goodnight at which time he released the door. I never saw him again. His name was Justin.

In public and in private my ex used to frequently say that one of the main reasons she was with me was because she knew I would never cheat on her. She had actually been told once by a woman that I had hit on her. My ex laughed in the woman’s face. “Alexia would never do that,” she said, smiling confidently.

We choose our lives.

Valet Battleship Parking, Part 1

August 08, 2009 By: admin Category: Abandonment Journal, Uncategorized, Valet Battleship Parking

I’ve been doing some home improvements here and there. They escalate as my confidence and clarity of mind escalate, and today I was able to furnish an empty room and add some towel holders in the upstairs bathroom before the sadness re-gripped me.

On my way back downstairs to return my tools to the workroom I passed a small box that’s sitting on the little table by the front door. The box is empty and has been in this spot for months because for a while she had me collecting small boxes to use to send out her CDs when someone buys them online, so I got in the habit even tough she’s never sold enough for me to be that conscientious. After we stopped living together a year ago I wasn’t able to break the habit. Tomorrow, though, or Monday, I’ll collapse it and take it away with the rest of the recycling and won’t gather small boxes anymore.

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When I was in college I developed a play about a person’s struggle with identity. I called it “Valet Battleship Parking.”  I never did finish it but have decided to express what I need to here, on the blog, under the tag “Valet Battleship Parking” so as to have a central place of expression during this difficult period. Maybe one day these posts can be collected and made into the show that never was…

The photo above is a very quick-and-dirty Photoshop representation of the picture I’ve had in my head since college. It was to be the poster for the play and had me in the valet uniform with my back to the camera instead of facing it, and showed me holding a set of HUGE skeleton keys in my hand, cuz, if you’re doing valet parking at a shipyard that accommodates battleships, the keys HAVE to be big.

On Having Been Cuckolded

August 07, 2009 By: admin Category: Abandonment Journal, Faith, General, Happiness, Health, Love, Mom

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I don’t remember my life before her, and don’t remember much of our relationship except certain snippets here and there. The environment we tried to love each other in was too toxic for us to overcome and so I should have seen the signs much, much earlier and left. But I loved her. I still do.

I have been told that darkness breeds darkness and so, by writing, I’m trying my best to be positive and stay in the moment. But, as you can imagine, it’s very hard. Yesterday I found out that she’d been cheating on me for a while before she finally broke it all off. I had been working so hard on myself, trying to clean up my “stuff” so I could be better in the relationship, but it clearly didn’t help. I don’t understand the ability to do this, to cheat, or to be physical with someone so soon after the demise of a five year relationship that was, at many times, very beautiful. Over the course of the next several months I will go over our years together and try to make some sense of how it could have gone so wrong so fast. Truly, the first thing I can see, and see very clearly, is that her inability and lack of desire to grow up was more powerful than my ability and desire to help her to do that. Even when she asked for my help my actions blew up in my face in a torrent of gaslighting manipulation. She is such a master manipulator, actually, that she’s convinced herself she’s not.

There was one very, very wrong thing that I did to her. Very bad. I lashed out physically in a very dangerous way and could have hurt her a great deal. I have to live with that, but I also apologized for over a year and took great pains to correct the aspects in me that resulted in that behavior. Every step of the way I was open with her about my weaknesses and struggle to overcome them.  I hid nothing from her because I feel that if you lay yourself naked you’ll learn the lesson better, and change will come faster and help the future You be more clear when similar situations arise.

Before her there were two years of partial self-discovery. It was mostly professional and familial. I was single and wanted to keep it that way. She came so out of the blue and was so powerful in her pursuit that I wonder if she was a message from the fates telling me there was more to be learned and since I clearly wasn’t doing it on my own, they’d send this tantalizing little perfection to smack me around until I understood.

Sadly, in the time that I was with her my mother–my best friend–died. I had left Mom to go be with her…

I am now at the exact place I was before I met her: unemployed, still pining for another lost love, and with all the world before me. I can’t imagine what I should do, but I know it ALL involves risk-taking. I’m not going to start skydiving or anything, but I do want to not refuse adventures as they come up, even if there’s a bit of physical danger/challenge. I wanna climb a mountain, basically. I want to camp out in the wilderness in the snow, and desperately want to have the peace of mind to be able to stand all the quiet.

I tried very, very hard. I hope you believe me when I say that. I tried very, very hard. I tried so hard, in fact, that it was a shock that, upon discovering the truth last night, I was able to be so clear in what needed to happen next. I wrote her an email saying that I needed her out of my life 100%. I have a bunch of her stuff at my house, you see. In my email I was mean and angry and it felt great. I haven’t gotten angry like this yet, and it needed to come out. I needed to let it out. It wasn’t impulsive and I didn’t dash the letter off. I said what needed saying, and only that. I wasn’t gratuitously mean, but I was tough and direct. I deserved to be. She was EVIL to me so many times…

So, what’s next? Climbing the mountain. Once I get financially settled I’ll make plans for a trip. I’m so drawn to Scotland, but have here in the U.S. plenty of mountain for my purposes and family nearby for when I come down. Up there I hope to find… some compassion for myself. I tried so hard… For the next few months when I cry it will be for my poor, small, sweet self. She was trampled.