lextopia

my thoughts . my memories . my family . my projects . my fears
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Archive for May, 2009

May 2005

May 31, 2009 By: admin Category: Faith, Family, General, Happiness, Health, Love, Mom, Music

I believe in love and hope, but I’m also a realist so, in addition to love and hope, I believe in inevitability, in the certain awfulness that one day I will die. What concerns me today, though, is the inevitability of the death of someone else: my beloved mother.  As I write this she is having x-rays of her chest and kidney looked over by a urologist to see if the masses there are cancer or not. “Malignant” is what everyone has said so far, but none have yet elaborated or confirmed. My mother is 75 and has lived as full a life as anyone can hope to. I am proud of her. She is proud of herself. Sadly, our pride and strength and love and hope, even combined, are no match for the inevitable.

I can’t conceive of a world without my mother. Neither could you if you met her. This is the woman who taught me the distinction between Caravaggio and Rafael, Kirkland and Plisetskaya, composers and Mozart. This is the woman who cries when she tells the story of an opera or remembers a stanza from a favorite poem, who is as comfortable sitting with kings as she is pulling weeds in her garden. In French, English, Italian, Swedish or her native Spanish this is a woman who changes lives meerly by her presence in them, and who doesn’t deserve this.

You can probably imagine how strong my mother is, and so you can probably imagine how strange and frightening it is for me that my mother is now afraid. I think she’s terrified, and I would pay a lot of money to the miracle-worker who could make it all go away, who could take away her fear and her pain and her death. But inevitability has my family and me by the short hairs, and so all I will ever be able to do, once again, is rely on hope, and maybe pray that my love can make miracles happen.

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Newfoundland

May 2009

I wrote the above as it says, while my mother was on her way to death. I was living in CA at the time, and was working hard on a job. I was too stressed in my work to see clearly what was happening to her and so when the time finally came in July for her to die, all I had with her were 10 days.

I’ve always believed in love, in it’s power to deliver truth and help us overcome anything. My love couldn’t save my mother, though, no matter how much I “put out into the universe,” and that’s been a monkey on my back for a long, long, long time. I can see the nuances of love a bit better now–not completely, though. I still see things in black and white, as most of you know (and love…? ;)) about me… I am not as strong as everyone makes me out to be, and yet I did just order some books on abandonment issues and am here in public telling you all about it. Fuckit. This thing has been kicking my ass long enough and I’ve had it! Living things do better in company than in isolation, and this will be the Summer of my Great Content or I’m going to break something (hopefully not furniture or my own neck…;)).

I’ve been facing things all my life. Hopefully this will be the last major thing I have to face and deal with for a while. I need the universe to give me a break. I’ve been working really, really hard and just need a bit of a break… So, if anyone has a direct line to The Universe, I’d be pleased if you could convey my message. :) Happy Go-Fuck-Yourself-Retrograde, everyone. We fucking made it. :)

Bay Bulls Icebergs & St. John’s

May 23, 2009 By: admin Category: Aperture, General, Lumix Pix, Newfoundland

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Icebergs at Bay Bulls, Newfondland

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 St. John’s, Newfondland

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Top Shelf

May 23, 2009 By: admin Category: Aperture, General, Lumix Pix, Newfoundland

 

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 Bay Bulls Harbor

“And it’s me whose stuck in the harbor
And it’s me whose mired in the past,
But it’s me who’ll love you forever,
And it’s you who’ll love me at last…”

“Top Shelf” is how Newfoundlanders say they’re doing well. “How’s she cuttin’?” someone will ask you = “How are you doing?” “Top shelf,” you’ll say…

 Newfoundland. I sang songs. I WROTE songs. :) I had the time of my life, truly. This place may have showed me where to find the bricks and mortar and seagull spit to fill in the hole in my heart that’s been there… forever.

The trip isn’t over-over, but for me the learning has reached it’s peak. I heard laments that should have had me in tears, but I found myself, instead, soldiering through. I owe a debt to this province that I think I’ll happily spend the rest of my life repaying. If I should ever be lucky enough to have a child, I’ll bring her/him up here every year around this time, or maybe a touch later–while the crowds are still thin, but the whales are a-plenty. I didn’t see any whales on my boat trip today, and it didn’t matter one bit. I saw icebergs, and puffins, and heard a boy sing. I laughed with the owner of a record store and bonded with a former fire chief. In short, I lived a little. Finally.

Politically Incorrect Asterix

May 19, 2009 By: admin Category: General

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Let me first say that I did not come up with all of these, nor was this exercise my idea. More’s the pity. No, this was the inspired genius of my ex, Zan, as we sat around bored one afternoon. I added to the list once we got going, but the seed was planted by her… Enjoy the belly laugh…. :)

POLITICALLY INCORRECT ASTERIX

Anorexia, wife of Dianetics

Dianetics, husband of Anorexia, Mayor.

Dislexia, quadruplet

Dispepsia, quadruplet, cross-eyed

Displasia, quadruplet

Diarrhea, quadruplet

Histrionix

Stupidpetrix, town bard

Logistix

Hookedonphonix, the family dog

Fanatix

Crucifix

Halitosis

Gingivitis

Ebonix

Wisteria

The Color of Sun

May 15, 2009 By: admin Category: House, Lumix Pix

I am in love with the colors sunlight brings out… These are shots from my garden. :)

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Growing Up The Blog

May 10, 2009 By: admin Category: Web 2.0

Hey y’all, so I’m upgrading The Blog to be a more 2.0 experience. From here you can find most of my other presences on the web.

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In the menu bar above, you’ll find some new additions: Flickr, and Twitter. Check out my pix in one, easy-to-navigate spot on Flickr, and follow my “tweets” on my Twitter page, affectionally entitled “Emergency Blood Pickup.” You can also see my Twitter updates on the right-hand side of the blog, in the sidebar. This feed updates automatically whenever I “tweet.”

If it all becomes too much information do, please, remember that you are HUMAN and have CHOICES. I.e., even though my 2.0 world is wildly interesting, you don’t have to follow me everywhere. I’ll still be the same wacko I am every day, and will still be using this blog as the main location to express myself.

Thanks for tuning in, y’all. I hope to continue keeping you entertained, thought-provoked, and interested. :)

Only Bus

May 09, 2009 By: admin Category: Aperture, Health, House, Living, Love, Lumix Pix, Meditation, sustainability

I can’t think of anything to write tonight. i’m better in the morning. :) morning person. maybe i’ll go out tomorrow and find some nice flowers and take pictures of them to show you. in the meantime, here’s this:

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this was the view as i was leaving NYC to head home. i doctored it in Aperture, which I snagged from my dad and loaded-up. it’s great, no? but, really, if you start with the shots from my new camera, the Lumix, all shots can look this good.

this is a tough shot to look at sometimes, actually, because it reminds me of where i was going in order to get all the way home. the bus took me to south station, then i took the T to Porter where i would take the commuter rail to Concord to get picked up. on the way, the T stops at Central Square, which has special significance. for me, every moment is an opportunity. i try to maximize everything i do. sometimes it’s exhausting and i don’t know how to slow down. that’s why i so desperately need a vacation. but i’m doing my best to take care of that feeling now, and i’m, thankfully, really taking a lot of time to fall in love with my house. i do so love it. the bedroom in the morning, even at night, with the windows open–so many windows!–letting in air and natural sounds, is incredible. i am so grateful for my bedroom. so, so grateful :)

okay, so maybe i can write a bit at night. :)

Hunter Lovins, my guru, who, as we know, is following me on Twitter….;)… tweeted a great quote tonight:

“Find what you really care about and live a life that shows it.” –Kate Wolf

i hope that’s what i’m doing.

The God In All Things

May 08, 2009 By: admin Category: Faith, Family, General, Happiness, Health, House, Living, Love, Meditation, Video

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I wish I could explain how much I love television… My parents put a lock on the family box when I was younger because I watched so damned much… For the record, I remember everything I saw and wasn’t tuning out at all, ever. I was taking in, and believe that all those shows I saw helped to shape me into the lovely, above-average-intelligence woman I am today. :) But recently, I’ve become afraid of television…

A couple of months ago my roommate killed the cable. We were on her account and when Direct TV became unmanageable as a company, she decided to toss it. We were both reading online and watching favorite shows online anyway, when we had any time between our fulfilling day job, seeing friends, and generally enjoying life. But sometimes I get a pang of panic in the quiet house, wondering if I’m missing something by not having CNN droning it’s repetitious stories throughout the day.

Currently, for example, a terrible wildfire is raging in southern California, right where I used to live and spend a lot of my time. It makes me wonder if I should be “checking in” with the “box news” for updates when the reality is that out here in the East I wouldn’t learn shit. What I need to do is go to the internet to KCAL9, the website for the local SoCal TV station that always covers the fires in-depth, and see what gruesome video and pictures they have that were probably updated an hour ago.

I’ve also fallen back in love with reading and the sounds of the natural world. At the moment, the sun is streaming in from the windows on all four sides of the house and birds of every stripe are either having a sing-a-long, or a damned sweet-sounding argument. :) I’m reading Dan Brown’s “Angels & Demons” and can’t put it down. I secretly pray that he continues this vein of religious-mystery storytelling forever so that I can keep being entertained, invigorated, challenged and inspired for the rest of my life.

Even the silent, unmoving pictures on my walls have something to say when there isn’t a soundtrack blocking their stories. The more I just sit and listen, or read, or smell, or feel, or think, the better I feel every moment, and that makes me afraid to “go back” to watching television. If the watching isn’t on my own time (TiVo or internet) then I’m afraid I’ll lose all those things I just mentioned above. God is in all the small things of the world, everywhere, every minute, but if there’s a dim, a constant buzzing or hum or drone… you miss it.

These last few weeks have been incredibly creatively fulfilling for me, and I just figured out that I can survive on my meager savings through the summer. Whatever will I do….??? Only silence will bring the answer. :)

NYC Memories 2: Walking Around In The Flatiron District

May 05, 2009 By: admin Category: Lumix Pix

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This was a furniture and design store we passed by. No, you’re not dreaming.

That IS a huge, white rabbitt sitting on the table…

 

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Close-up of the scary, Life Of Brian bunny….

NYC Memories

May 04, 2009 By: admin Category: General, Lumix Pix

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Washington Square Park, NYC. It’s been fenced-in as improvements are made.

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Basically the same shot, but now the fence is out of focus and the park is in focus. Both were shot with my new Lumix LX3. In the top picture, I centered the focus square on the fence and pushed the shutter button down halfway, then I framed to include the park and took the shot. The Lumix kept the focus and made a nice depth of field effect! I reversed the focus subject for the bottom shot, and then mucked about with both in Aperture. :)

I used to hang out in Washington Square Park in the Greenwich Village section of downtown NYC all the time. It was easy as my school (NYU) was at the top of the park, and in my sophmore year, my dorm was at the bottom of the park. Maninder and I wanted to wander through the park and remember old times, but the fence forced us to do that from a distance.