lextopia

my thoughts . my memories . my family . my projects . my fears
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Archive for the ‘PMS’

“…and wrap my arms around a pillow i’ll convince myself is you.”

January 13, 2010 By: admin Category: Abandonment Journal, Body, Food, Happiness, Health, Living, Love, Molly, Mom, PMS, Unemployment, Valet Battleship Parking

Indigestion. It’s astonishing the things I can’t understand until I finally experience them for the first time. Is everyone like that, or is it really just me who lacks an imagination? Go ahead and say if it is, I can take it. I just find it exhausting, at 42, to still be learning more from looking back than looking forward…

500-Broken-glass(1)

For the last couple of days I’ve walked hand-in-hand with Tums, Prevacid, and something generic from Walgreen’s. The Walgreen’s version tastes the best and has the most flavors, but so far Tums wins the “killing the symptoms quickly” battle. The heartburn came on suddenly and became severe on Monday when I was in too much pain to get out of bed. I did some reading online via iPhone while doubled-over and am a bit worried that I might have an ulcer. Most of the recent literature disdains the possibility that stress can cause ulcers–as was once thought–but doesn’t rule it out. Whatever the cause, the result is that I am now afraid to eat, or drink coffee. Anything that might cause a heartburn flare-up is a no-no and so I’m stuck at the moment with apples, water, and caffeine-withdrawal. Anyone want to come over??? :) Those of you living on the brightside who are saying to yourselves: “Gosh, at least you have apples” are correct: at least I have apples. 😉

It’s been my history that nothing ever happens with my body that isn’t a sign of something else. When I started declaring my independence from Mom I developed chronic bad menstrual cramps after years of mild periods; when Molly was breaking up with me I developed a urinary tract infection (my first!); now that I have indigestion after several years of eating well and exercising I have to wonder what the fuck is going on this time. Is it really the stress of prolonged unemployment? Seems like a good fit to me. There’s only so much rationalizing/mental hoop-jumping a girl can do before she just sputters and falls to the ground. Ah… time will tell, eh? I can’t wait for the future, so I can look back and find out what the hell happened…

2008…

January 03, 2009 By: admin Category: Happiness, House, India, Living, Love, Meditation, PMS, Politics

 deep-snow-hudson.jpg

…it’s been an extraordinary year, that’s for sure.

My 2008 started with a trip back to Kolkata, India. Read all about it here (scroll down to start at the beginning of the saga…). Molly and I stayed there for a month in the apartment of good friends who became better friends once we lived with them. :) You can’t imagine the experiences you’ll have in India, and working on the film I just finished and looking forward to starting the edit on the one I shot that Jan. in 2008, make me think that there’s no way I won’t go back for another, even longer, extended stay. We were there for a month, and it was one of the toughest and best months of my entire life. I look back on it with both awe and longing…

The rest of the year included finishing up an online series about sustainability, which has led to a career in social and environmental journalism, seeing Rickie Lee Jones in concert four Mondays in a row (Molly’s 1st time hearing her…), preparing for the political conventions, and trying to get my mind around alternate reality games that, if played, will teach as much as entertain, and, finally, 2008 saw me crossing the country back to Boston and buying my first house.

I inexplicably have the blues today. Maybe it’s hormones. My breasts feel fake: huge, hard, and uncomfortable like lumbering stones that don’t fit with the rest of my body. I look outside at the dark snow–dark because the day is dark, even though the snow is white–and can’t make any sense of why such a beautiful, cozy day shouldn’t be filled with soothing introspection, hearty stews, and a warm wood stove fire. I’ve managed to get a lot done, but still feel profoundly like something is missing. I do miss Molly today, a lot. So maybe that’s it. We spoke last night over chat and to see her and not be able to hold her was torture. I could drive into the city today to see her, but why? It’s just another day. Or is it…???

Some how 2008 has seemed longer than other recent years. When I was a kid a year was a lifetime. As I got older they sped up and seemed to go by in a blink, but I feel like I felt every moment of 2008. So much hardship, emotional torture & travail. Whoever thought one could feel this way in a first world country? Seems silly… And yet, it was real. 2008 will probably go down as my most painful year. A year of catharsis,  examination, wrenching change, discovery, learning…

Maybe it’s the snow. I haven’t lived through snow like this for 4 years. What the hell happened out there in CA??? I had such a hard time… I remember looking forward from L.A. and somehow knowing my future house was going to be a lifeboat-it is, and I’m building it into something cozy and warm and wonderful right now-but suffering what I did out there makes even the house’s power seem weak at times.

It is the hormones, and so I should shut up. The feeling of sadness is lifting a little and cramps are starting. I still miss Molly waaaaay too much not to try to see her, but we’ll see how the day goes. I have some shopping to do, and a few errands. Activities like that usually suffice to knock me out of the self-indulgent brooding I”m given to every now and again. We’ll see…;)

To all of you, here’s to 2009! Finally a barrier has been broken in the American presidency – it’s time for us all to reach farther for our dreams than we ever have. If such a stereotype can be overcome, so can anything.

Keep pursuing!

Much love,

alexia

Moving On

September 06, 2008 By: admin Category: Beer, Living, PMS

The financial, real estate and labor markets have made day-to-day living a constant stress. I watch every penny now, and have to pay my plumber in installments. Who knew I could live on so little.

That said, I took care of some things that needed desperate attention, I moved the donated wood from the center of the workroom floor to the side so folks can sit in front of the woodstove, I finally got incense to get the funky smell out of the bedroom, I’m back in shape, and I got a haircut. :) Finally I have the haircut I’ve always wanted. Simple, stylish, and “wash-n-wear.” Now I can go out in public and not look like I’ve been living on a desert island for four months. I also came back from a terrific weekend on the Vineyard where I bought some lovely, small things for the house that really elevate the look and feel and efficiency of the place. I’m talking over-the-door hooks for towels and a bathrobe, and a few pretty wall hangings. This may not sound terribly exciting or like it would make such a huge difference, but it does. The hooks in the bedroom helped me to see that I needed to switch vanity tables. I replaced Nona’s brown table with my old country table from the NY Opera. Nona’s table is back in the guest room where it fits with the dark wood shelf in there. So, the house, and I are coming together slowly… :)

PMS. Next, I’m debuting a new tag, “PMS.” This is important stuff so listen-up… Since my 20s I’ve been having nigh sweats before my period. For years I thought it was no big deal, thought it was just a normal symptom. Well, when I got into my early 30s my period started to change. I was getting worse.I’d never really had cramps to speak of, but now here they were — the debilitating death cramps I’d heard about forever from my friends. Why was this happening to me? As the daughter of a doctor I figured it was the body’ natural course and just let it go. Then, in my mid-30s I started having “mood swings.” That’s in quotes because what happened every other month was more than just a mood swing. I became anxious and paranoid, and as the years wore on, the anxiety and paranoia became severe to the point where I destroyed relationships.

When I moved to CA and Molly and I started having problems, I wrote it off to external factors until a few things happened that couldn’t be explained any other way than having been a result of bad PMS. My paranoia exhibits itself by making me think things are happening which are actually NOT happening. I was accusing Molly of doing and feeling things that weren’t happening. I drove her crazy, almost literally.

Well, my case is as good as any to show that love really can conquer all. Instead of falling back into my wounded pride and living alone for the rest of my life I told myself that I was the problem and went out to try to get help. I found acupuncture and Chinese medicine. These worked very, very well at the start. The severe cramps went away and my moods calmed down by 75%! Then I noticed something else, though – when I drank to excess (3-4 beers per week), no amount of acupuncture or herbs would help. ALL of my symptoms would come back.

Cut to today. I’ve been reading and researching this PMS issue since I moved here. I stopped drinking but it wasn’t helping, so I found an organization online, womentowomen.org who have produced these incredible herb packets. With two weeks I started to feel better and it’s all been maintained. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I’m hoping, you know, forever. :)