my thoughts . my memories . my family . my projects . my fears

Archive for the ‘General’

On Having Been Cuckolded

August 07, 2009 By: admin Category: Abandonment Journal, Faith, General, Happiness, Health, Love, Mom


I don’t remember my life before her, and don’t remember much of our relationship except certain snippets here and there. The environment we tried to love each other in was too toxic for us to overcome and so I should have seen the signs much, much earlier and left. But I loved her. I still do.

I have been told that darkness breeds darkness and so, by writing, I’m trying my best to be positive and stay in the moment. But, as you can imagine, it’s very hard. Yesterday I found out that she’d been cheating on me for a while before she finally broke it all off. I had been working so hard on myself, trying to clean up my “stuff” so I could be better in the relationship, but it clearly didn’t help. I don’t understand the ability to do this, to cheat, or to be physical with someone so soon after the demise of a five year relationship that was, at many times, very beautiful. Over the course of the next several months I will go over our years together and try to make some sense of how it could have gone so wrong so fast. Truly, the first thing I can see, and see very clearly, is that her inability and lack of desire to grow up was more powerful than my ability and desire to help her to do that. Even when she asked for my help my actions blew up in my face in a torrent of gaslighting manipulation. She is such a master manipulator, actually, that she’s convinced herself she’s not.

There was one very, very wrong thing that I did to her. Very bad. I lashed out physically in a very dangerous way and could have hurt her a great deal. I have to live with that, but I also apologized for over a year and took great pains to correct the aspects in me that resulted in that behavior. Every step of the way I was open with her about my weaknesses and struggle to overcome them.  I hid nothing from her because I feel that if you lay yourself naked you’ll learn the lesson better, and change will come faster and help the future You be more clear when similar situations arise.

Before her there were two years of partial self-discovery. It was mostly professional and familial. I was single and wanted to keep it that way. She came so out of the blue and was so powerful in her pursuit that I wonder if she was a message from the fates telling me there was more to be learned and since I clearly wasn’t doing it on my own, they’d send this tantalizing little perfection to smack me around until I understood.

Sadly, in the time that I was with her my mother–my best friend–died. I had left Mom to go be with her…

I am now at the exact place I was before I met her: unemployed, still pining for another lost love, and with all the world before me. I can’t imagine what I should do, but I know it ALL involves risk-taking. I’m not going to start skydiving or anything, but I do want to not refuse adventures as they come up, even if there’s a bit of physical danger/challenge. I wanna climb a mountain, basically. I want to camp out in the wilderness in the snow, and desperately want to have the peace of mind to be able to stand all the quiet.

I tried very, very hard. I hope you believe me when I say that. I tried very, very hard. I tried so hard, in fact, that it was a shock that, upon discovering the truth last night, I was able to be so clear in what needed to happen next. I wrote her an email saying that I needed her out of my life 100%. I have a bunch of her stuff at my house, you see. In my email I was mean and angry and it felt great. I haven’t gotten angry like this yet, and it needed to come out. I needed to let it out. It wasn’t impulsive and I didn’t dash the letter off. I said what needed saying, and only that. I wasn’t gratuitously mean, but I was tough and direct. I deserved to be. She was EVIL to me so many times…

So, what’s next? Climbing the mountain. Once I get financially settled I’ll make plans for a trip. I’m so drawn to Scotland, but have here in the U.S. plenty of mountain for my purposes and family nearby for when I come down. Up there I hope to find… some compassion for myself. I tried so hard… For the next few months when I cry it will be for my poor, small, sweet self. She was trampled.


June 30, 2009 By: admin Category: Faith, General, Happiness, Health


Walking up 5th Avenue during the Gay Pride parade this past Sunday was an unexpected joy. It was also unexpectedly emotional. I realized just how proud I am to be not in the closet. I never have been, but it was still significant to me to be out there on the street, among “my people” and feel so cleanly that I belonged to something.

To borrow a few words from Larry Kramer’s wonderful play, The Normal Heart, “I belong to a culture that includes Proust, Henry James, Tchaikovsky, Cole Porter, Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Alexander the Great, Michaelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci, Christopher Marlowe, Walt Whitman, Herman Melville, Tennessee Williams, Byron, E.M. Forster, Lorca, Auden, Francis Bacon, James Baldwin, Harry Stack Sullivan, John Maynard Keynes, Dag Hammarskjold… these are not invisible men. … If this were taught in schools … maybe you wouldn’t be so frightened of who you are.”

When Will The Morning Come…?

June 14, 2009 By: admin Category: General


This is for Sarah. :)

A Movie…

June 07, 2009 By: admin Category: General, Happiness, My Tweets, Video, Web 2.0

So, I’ve been pretty busy just keeping it together day-to-day. I did go to a wonderful filmmaking conference (#mmn09, “Making Media Now”) recently and had a terrific time. I actually Twittered the conference and was chosen by 2 people as their #FollowFriday as a result. The conference talked a lot about social media, and using the web and the 2.0 spaces to get the word out about your films, to do activism, etc. It’s all a very fine line because just as easily as you can get to people, you can alienate them. Anyway, more on that later…

Today, as I was combing through some of the folks who are following me on Twitter I found a few things that really made me understand why I love the web and it’s social aspects so much. One of my Twitter followers posted a link to a short film. I just finished watching it. It’s so beautiful and simple and well done that I thought I’d share it with you. Enjoy, and thanks to zeefred for posting. :)

Paris, Je T’Aime

May 2005

May 31, 2009 By: admin Category: Faith, Family, General, Happiness, Health, Love, Mom, Music

I believe in love and hope, but I’m also a realist so, in addition to love and hope, I believe in inevitability, in the certain awfulness that one day I will die. What concerns me today, though, is the inevitability of the death of someone else: my beloved mother.  As I write this she is having x-rays of her chest and kidney looked over by a urologist to see if the masses there are cancer or not. “Malignant” is what everyone has said so far, but none have yet elaborated or confirmed. My mother is 75 and has lived as full a life as anyone can hope to. I am proud of her. She is proud of herself. Sadly, our pride and strength and love and hope, even combined, are no match for the inevitable.

I can’t conceive of a world without my mother. Neither could you if you met her. This is the woman who taught me the distinction between Caravaggio and Rafael, Kirkland and Plisetskaya, composers and Mozart. This is the woman who cries when she tells the story of an opera or remembers a stanza from a favorite poem, who is as comfortable sitting with kings as she is pulling weeds in her garden. In French, English, Italian, Swedish or her native Spanish this is a woman who changes lives meerly by her presence in them, and who doesn’t deserve this.

You can probably imagine how strong my mother is, and so you can probably imagine how strange and frightening it is for me that my mother is now afraid. I think she’s terrified, and I would pay a lot of money to the miracle-worker who could make it all go away, who could take away her fear and her pain and her death. But inevitability has my family and me by the short hairs, and so all I will ever be able to do, once again, is rely on hope, and maybe pray that my love can make miracles happen.



May 2009

I wrote the above as it says, while my mother was on her way to death. I was living in CA at the time, and was working hard on a job. I was too stressed in my work to see clearly what was happening to her and so when the time finally came in July for her to die, all I had with her were 10 days.

I’ve always believed in love, in it’s power to deliver truth and help us overcome anything. My love couldn’t save my mother, though, no matter how much I “put out into the universe,” and that’s been a monkey on my back for a long, long, long time. I can see the nuances of love a bit better now–not completely, though. I still see things in black and white, as most of you know (and love…? ;)) about me… I am not as strong as everyone makes me out to be, and yet I did just order some books on abandonment issues and am here in public telling you all about it. Fuckit. This thing has been kicking my ass long enough and I’ve had it! Living things do better in company than in isolation, and this will be the Summer of my Great Content or I’m going to break something (hopefully not furniture or my own neck…;)).

I’ve been facing things all my life. Hopefully this will be the last major thing I have to face and deal with for a while. I need the universe to give me a break. I’ve been working really, really hard and just need a bit of a break… So, if anyone has a direct line to The Universe, I’d be pleased if you could convey my message. :) Happy Go-Fuck-Yourself-Retrograde, everyone. We fucking made it. :)

Bay Bulls Icebergs & St. John’s

May 23, 2009 By: admin Category: Aperture, General, Lumix Pix, Newfoundland


Icebergs at Bay Bulls, Newfondland




 St. John’s, Newfondland




Top Shelf

May 23, 2009 By: admin Category: Aperture, General, Lumix Pix, Newfoundland



 Bay Bulls Harbor

“And it’s me whose stuck in the harbor
And it’s me whose mired in the past,
But it’s me who’ll love you forever,
And it’s you who’ll love me at last…”

“Top Shelf” is how Newfoundlanders say they’re doing well. “How’s she cuttin’?” someone will ask you = “How are you doing?” “Top shelf,” you’ll say…

 Newfoundland. I sang songs. I WROTE songs. :) I had the time of my life, truly. This place may have showed me where to find the bricks and mortar and seagull spit to fill in the hole in my heart that’s been there… forever.

The trip isn’t over-over, but for me the learning has reached it’s peak. I heard laments that should have had me in tears, but I found myself, instead, soldiering through. I owe a debt to this province that I think I’ll happily spend the rest of my life repaying. If I should ever be lucky enough to have a child, I’ll bring her/him up here every year around this time, or maybe a touch later–while the crowds are still thin, but the whales are a-plenty. I didn’t see any whales on my boat trip today, and it didn’t matter one bit. I saw icebergs, and puffins, and heard a boy sing. I laughed with the owner of a record store and bonded with a former fire chief. In short, I lived a little. Finally.

Politically Incorrect Asterix

May 19, 2009 By: admin Category: General


Let me first say that I did not come up with all of these, nor was this exercise my idea. More’s the pity. No, this was the inspired genius of my ex, Zan, as we sat around bored one afternoon. I added to the list once we got going, but the seed was planted by her… Enjoy the belly laugh…. :)


Anorexia, wife of Dianetics

Dianetics, husband of Anorexia, Mayor.

Dislexia, quadruplet

Dispepsia, quadruplet, cross-eyed

Displasia, quadruplet

Diarrhea, quadruplet


Stupidpetrix, town bard


Hookedonphonix, the family dog







The God In All Things

May 08, 2009 By: admin Category: Faith, Family, General, Happiness, Health, House, Living, Love, Meditation, Video


I wish I could explain how much I love television… My parents put a lock on the family box when I was younger because I watched so damned much… For the record, I remember everything I saw and wasn’t tuning out at all, ever. I was taking in, and believe that all those shows I saw helped to shape me into the lovely, above-average-intelligence woman I am today. :) But recently, I’ve become afraid of television…

A couple of months ago my roommate killed the cable. We were on her account and when Direct TV became unmanageable as a company, she decided to toss it. We were both reading online and watching favorite shows online anyway, when we had any time between our fulfilling day job, seeing friends, and generally enjoying life. But sometimes I get a pang of panic in the quiet house, wondering if I’m missing something by not having CNN droning it’s repetitious stories throughout the day.

Currently, for example, a terrible wildfire is raging in southern California, right where I used to live and spend a lot of my time. It makes me wonder if I should be “checking in” with the “box news” for updates when the reality is that out here in the East I wouldn’t learn shit. What I need to do is go to the internet to KCAL9, the website for the local SoCal TV station that always covers the fires in-depth, and see what gruesome video and pictures they have that were probably updated an hour ago.

I’ve also fallen back in love with reading and the sounds of the natural world. At the moment, the sun is streaming in from the windows on all four sides of the house and birds of every stripe are either having a sing-a-long, or a damned sweet-sounding argument. :) I’m reading Dan Brown’s “Angels & Demons” and can’t put it down. I secretly pray that he continues this vein of religious-mystery storytelling forever so that I can keep being entertained, invigorated, challenged and inspired for the rest of my life.

Even the silent, unmoving pictures on my walls have something to say when there isn’t a soundtrack blocking their stories. The more I just sit and listen, or read, or smell, or feel, or think, the better I feel every moment, and that makes me afraid to “go back” to watching television. If the watching isn’t on my own time (TiVo or internet) then I’m afraid I’ll lose all those things I just mentioned above. God is in all the small things of the world, everywhere, every minute, but if there’s a dim, a constant buzzing or hum or drone… you miss it.

These last few weeks have been incredibly creatively fulfilling for me, and I just figured out that I can survive on my meager savings through the summer. Whatever will I do….??? Only silence will bring the answer. :)

NYC Memories

May 04, 2009 By: admin Category: General, Lumix Pix


Washington Square Park, NYC. It’s been fenced-in as improvements are made.


Basically the same shot, but now the fence is out of focus and the park is in focus. Both were shot with my new Lumix LX3. In the top picture, I centered the focus square on the fence and pushed the shutter button down halfway, then I framed to include the park and took the shot. The Lumix kept the focus and made a nice depth of field effect! I reversed the focus subject for the bottom shot, and then mucked about with both in Aperture. :)

I used to hang out in Washington Square Park in the Greenwich Village section of downtown NYC all the time. It was easy as my school (NYU) was at the top of the park, and in my sophmore year, my dorm was at the bottom of the park. Maninder and I wanted to wander through the park and remember old times, but the fence forced us to do that from a distance.